If you need your taxes done, just go to the Gold Buyer store, or the Shoe Repair Shop.

I talk a lot of shit about the Excelsior. Some of it is productive, some of it isn’t. But as a matter of simple fact, let’s discuss a few business issues we have in the neighborhood:

 

Dual Businesses: What the shit is a dual business, one might ask? A dual business is a place in the neighborhood where you could, say, purchase donuts from the man who is siding your house, or having your car repairman also offer sensual oil massages. See how fucking dumb that sounds?

 

I can think of three I saw walking the other day down Mission. I shall leave their business names out, because I don’t want to disparage them–I only want to shit on the neighborhood for being the group that is the enabler.

 

I saw:

 

1 Sandwich Shop/Tailor.

1 Tax Preparation Business/Shop Repair

1 Remittance Service/ Barbeque.

 

What the actual fuck? At least a sandwich shop at the Tailor could be argued to make one fat–therefore needing to let out just a little from one’s waist. But it’s still a goddamned bizarre idea. And let’s be honest–those who are getting their shoes repaired are probably those who also have a shit ton of issues getting their taxes. Or perhaps it’s an awful idea because they may be the least likely to pay them. I haven’t concluded there yet. I cannot think of a single time, however, that I craved both sending a foreign relative money and a honey glazed drumstick with such equal ferocity AND such limited time that only one stop would be allowed.

 

But don’t be alarmed–this isn’t just about the absurdity of our businesses that exist–it’s also about the absurdity of the similar business that continually open in the neighborhood. If there were Vegas odds  on what would open in any of our open storefronts–they would have to take Beauty Salons off the table in order to produce any money. I mean, the house always wins, right? How the fuck do they win this one?

 

We’ve had a moratorium set on pot clubs. It doesn’t seem to do shit to stop pot clubs. But the issue isn’t the clubs, it’s the people within them–which is why, in spite of sort of needing one–we will never rationally get a ban on beauty parlors. But fuck if we need another one.

 

I feel like the district is the spouse of the alcoholic addict. We are the biggest enablers of what goes on here because of a few reasons–most notably that there isn’t shit for most of us buy outside of the grocery store with a vermin problem (and admittedly a few other places–but let’s be honest–it’s pretty limited). But we basically sit and bitch to our friends about how we are dealing with our drunk husband as he metaphorically comes in and passes out through the glass on the coffee table. As everyone else observes the horror, I reassure my ladyfriends this is totally normal behavior. Then it happens again. Then again. Then again. I may see a shrink or write bitchy blog–but the behavior continues. It’s amazing how complacent one can be while still being bothered by all the bullshit going on around them.

(He always does this–he’s just tired)

 

The hood is honestly getting a lot prettier. Except for assholes who dump their fucking garbage in parks or in front of their houses, it’s cleaner. The homes are really nice in our neighborhood. But we gotta knock the fuck off being angry about being ignored down here if our main artery is littered with dual businesses, empty storefronts, and beauty parlors. We are that alcoholic spouse–also because we have fucking idea what to do about it in spite of there being a fairly rational and obvious solution.

Oh–and in closing–I wanted everyone to know an illegal gaming place–like the many all over the Excelsior–was closed by the City Attorney in Bernal Heights (http://www.sfgate.com/bayarea/article/City-sues-to-shut-down-gambling-house-in-Bernal-6090199.php). Sensing a theme here? It seems anything legally goes down here. And we aren’t better for it. It’s not cute. It’s not quaint. And we’re all sort of watching it happen. But I guess on some legal level someone cares. I’m just not sure how to call that person. Do they take calls from the Excelsior? What if I invite them out for shoe repair and tax completion?